Wandering Thoughts...

It’s surprising how small disagreements can create rifts between friends. What’s more surprising is how easily I am willing to cut people off from my life due to those disagreements. How people just don’t matter anymore. How I stop explaining myself to people whom I love. Not that I am prepared to lose them someday but it's so strange to shut the doors of my heart suddenly to the people who once meant the world to me. Even when I'm going through a lot,
I stay quiet and accept all the criticism of my dear ones though I'm not responsible for anything. I take up the blames purposely, admit that I don't care and unexpectedly put a full-stop to the bond we shared. When someone close decides to leave, I let that person go. I put an effort to to get them back once, twice, and the third time, I'm the one who asks them to actually never come back. Strange? You bet!

My level of emotional attachment/involvement has evolved over a period of time. When you're young, you trust easily and have blind faith in people. You start believing that friendships last forever and relationships never end. You cling on to the people whom you love and care about and you never wanna let go. But as we grow older, we become more self-reliant than dependent on others for that emotional security. Does that mean that we, or personally speaking, I have become emotionally less available? The level of my emotional investment in others has shrunk, making me strangely distant from people who were close to me, who relied on me as I relied on them. I'm amused, irritated, annoyed, frustrated, but then I stop. Beyond a point I simply don’t care. Be it someone I have been friends with for over years, or someone I have been intimately close with over two months. They cease to matter after a certain point. I move on. I step over those moments, the feelings and emotions. And when I'm alone or up late at night by myself, the memories come rushing down and pull a trigger of happiness or a twang of sadness. And then again they get pushed back firmly in some untouched recess of my mind.

Is this what growing up all about? Is this what getting mature said to be? Is this what we call being strong? Have all those feelings actually faded or have I become immune to heart-breaks? Was I too meek earlier or am I too cold now? Maybe I have reached the saturation point of hankering onto people I love and expecting and getting  disheartened in the end. Or maybe not. I don't know. Probably I should just take it as a new phase of my life that will open up a refreshing chapter very soon.